


Nightmares

by Croc9400



Series: Malec One Line Prompt Challenge [15]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Military, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Colonel Alec Lightwood, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Married Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Military Families, Military Homecoming, Missing in Action, Mundane Alec Lightwood, Mundane Magnus Bane, No Character Death, Parents Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Sickfic, Supportive Magnus Bane, semi happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 06:54:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29432031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Croc9400/pseuds/Croc9400
Summary: What was supposed to be Alec's last deployment turns into Magnus' worst nightmare.***Day 21 - "You don't have to stay"
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Malec One Line Prompt Challenge [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1952176
Comments: 11
Kudos: 118





	Nightmares

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. Yes. I skipped a few days. I've had this written for months but I was going to wait and actually post them in order but I've been struggling to write things. I decided, screw this I haven't posted anything in almost three months, and who doesn't love some good angst on Valentine's day? Ngl I cried a little while writing this, you have been warned ;).

Magnus hadn’t slept easy in the six months since he got the call. Six months had passed since his Alexander had gone missing and though they weren’t presuming him dead, he was as good as. As far as they were aware, he was deep in enemy territory, and as valuable an asset as Alec was to them, they weren’t about to risk half their forces to rescue him. 

He tried his best to save face when he wasn’t alone. When Max, now almost a year and a half old, started babbling about his dada, trying his best to form a “where” in front of the word, Magnus would just say soon. As much as he knew he should be preparing for the worst, he couldn’t tell his little boy that. His little boy who might not even remember his father’s face, his voice. The last time they’d seen Alec was a grainy video called two weeks before he went missing. 

Izzy and Jace came over a lot, trying their best to comfort him, they’d watch Max so he could go out with Cat or Raphael or Ragnor, get out of the loft that had come to remind him of Alec so much. He had truly expected to remain alone for the rest of his life before Alec, the loft not truly being home, just the place where he spent a lot of his time. Now it was home. Alec had made it home. Max had made it home. And he wouldn’t have Max without Alec. 

He’d had three intense breakdowns. Once on the night they got the call. Another one a few weeks later, when Izzy and Simon were watching Max and Magnus was over at Ragnor’s. He’d trashed his poor friend’s living room, and Ragnor let him. The third had been on Max’s first birthday. Alec was supposed to arrive home a week prior to that, officially ending his military service. They were planning to have a huge party to celebrate both occasions. Magnus hadn’t had a party. He didn’t even invite Izzy and Jace over. He had gotten Max a piece of cake and taken a few pictures of him devouring it, hoping and praying he’d be able to show them to Alec one day and they could have a grand party for his second birthday. 

He didn’t ever try to push Alec from his mind, but he wouldn’t actively seek out things he knew would upset him. Some nights, however, when he couldn’t sleep, he’d pull out his phone and look through all the videos Alec had ever sent him. He had made a point to record videos of himself talking to either him or to Max before he left. Anytime he could when he was overseas he would send new ones and Magnus kept them all in an album on his phone. On nights he couldn’t sleep he’d open it and often would wake in the morning with his phone still in his hands and tear stains on his face. 

Max slept in his bed more nights than not. Magnus didn’t know if that was more for his benefit or for Max’s, but neither of them mind. Magnus liked having his family near him. No, his child, not his whole family. His whole family included Alec. Jace and Izzy were beginning to lose hope, he could tell. His friends were trying to prepare him for the worst, knowing that because he wasn’t found within the first few weeks, the odds of him being found were significantly lower. 

The only thing that gave Magnus hope was that a few soldiers had seen him being taken. He was technically missing in action, but he knew that he was alive when he went missing. He just had to hope that he wasn’t...he had to hope that he was still alive because he just had to assume the enemy would’ve been rubbing their faces in it if he weren’t. Magnus didn’t like the flesh out that idea too much as it drew too many terrible images into his head and it was often hard to banish them. 

What he wouldn’t give to have Alec back next to him. They’d parted ways nearly a year ago with grand plans for their new life. Their military free life with their child and their family. Together. Magnus had been so naive then to think that nothing was going to happen. They’d been through two deployments and one domestic tour together and Alec had been through six deployments prior to their meeting. Alec had come from one of those early deployments with a broken leg, but other than that, nothing had ever happened. 

Magnus had said their usual goodbye, hugging him for as long as he could, pressing a lingering kiss to his lips, before letting him leave and get on a bus. He hadn’t even bothered to drive him to the airport. It had been Alec who insisted he go alone. He knew Magnus was going to cry when he left and he didn’t want him crying while driving through the city as he’d almost gotten in an accident the last time. There was nothing about Alec’s thought process that was wrong, but what Magnus wouldn’t give to go back to that day and insist he and Max go drop him off. Alec had said that it was just four months, his shortest deployment yet, then they’d be back together. It would be over before they knew it. 

Four months turned into ten. Max had grown so much. Said his first words. He was getting close to taking his first steps. Magnus tried his best to record everything, he’d smile and cheer his child on, but he never truly felt it. Every time he’d get happy or excited, he’d fall, knowing Alec wasn’t there to share it with him. He still took videos of everything he could, ready and hoping he’d be able to show them to Alec one day. 

The sun had barely broken over the horizon when Magnus’ phone began ringing one fateful morning. When Alec was home he always put it on silent when they slept, as there would be no one he’d need to wake up to talk to. But after they’d gotten engaged, Magnus had become Alec’s primary point of contact, as opposed to Jace, there was a chance he could get important calls in the middle of the night. So Magnus always left his phone on. 

The ringing woke both him and Max though Max was quick to roll over and shut his eyes again. When he saw the blocked number he couldn’t help the sob that wracked through his body. His lip quivered as he pulled in a quick breath, his hand shaking as he grabbed the phone. He had to slide his finger over the screen twice before he was actually able to answer the phone. He couldn’t say anything, just tried to control his tears as he brought the phone to his ear. 

“Mr. Lightwood-Bane?” the voice questioned from the other line. Magnus only nodded before realizing they couldn’t see him. 

“Yes,” Magnus choked out, barely able to contain the sob he was holding back. He knew once they told him he wouldn’t be able to hold back. He wouldn’t be able to call Alec’s siblings. He would just curl into a ball, pull Max to his chest, and cry and cry until he had no tears left to do so. 

“We’ve found Colonel Lightwood-Bane, sir,” the voice informed him.

“What?” Magnus’ voice was so soft, almost hopeful as he processed what was just said to him. 

“We’ve found your husband, Mr. Lightwood-Bane,” the voice repeated. 

“Is he…” Magnus’ voice trailed off. He wanted to shout for joy, he wanted to break down with tears of pure relief and elation, but he quelled it, not knowing what state they’d found him in. 

“He’s alive,” the voice assured him. Magnus let out a sob mixed with a scream, unable to hold back. He had startled Max to full alertness and he was crawling across the bed to Magnus, who immediately reached out and wrapped his arms around his son. 

“Is he…?” Magnus tried to think of the question he was trying to ask, but he didn’t even know what he wanted to know. He could barely speak as he cried, “are you going to…?”

“He’s in medical now, so long as he is healthy enough to fly, they’ll be flying him back this evening,” the voice explained. 

“Will we get to see him? My son and I?” Magnus managed to get out. 

“The facility they’re transporting him to will reach out to you sometime in the next forty-eight hours. So long as he’s healthy enough to return you should be able to see him,” 

“Thank you,” Magnus cried and quickly wiped his tears, “thank you so much,”

“Of course, Mr. Lightwood-Bane,” the voice said before disconnecting. Magnus put his phone down and sobbed, wrapping his arms around Max and holding him tight. 

“Why sad, Papa?” Max asked, running his hands across his father’s face, wiping his tears like he had too many times this past six months. 

“Oh, Papa’s not sad, blueberry,” Magnus assured him, running a hand through Max’s hair, “your daddy’s coming home,”

“Dada?” Max quirked his head to the side. 

“Yeah, you remember your daddy, right?” Magnus asked, a little worried. He picked up the two photos Magnus kept on his nightstand. One of him and Alec at their wedding, and one of just Alec alone, taken before the first deployment he went on when they were together. Magnus had insisted on taking it so he’d have something to remember him by. Alec had smiled and laughed at him and that’s when Magnus took it. He’d taken a few staged ones also, but none of them were as good as the photo of Alec laughing, the sunlight reflecting off his face. 

“Dada!” Max said excitedly when he saw the photos. Magnus exhaled. 

“Yeah,” Magnus smiled, a few more tears streaming down his face, “he’s coming home,”

***

Two days later Magnus stood with Max in his arms on the tarmac of an army base in New Jersey. Jace and Izzy stood next to him. Clary and Simon had wanted to come as well, but they had been limited to just immediate family. He had already had to fight with the receptionist to allow him to bring Max, he was not going to try and negotiate for Simon and Clary as well. Plus, Magnus knew that Alec would want as few people there as possible to see him in the state he was in. 

Alec wasn’t too physically damaged, nothing that wouldn’t be too traumatizing for a child to see, or that’s what the base told him. Magnus had been able to negotiate meeting them on the tarmac. Max, Jace, and Izzy would all get to see him and say hello then Magnus and Alec would go to the hospital and stay there until he was released. Magnus knew that he was going to have to leave Alec there alone eventually, but he didn’t even want to think about that. He was too busy shaking with the anticipation of seeing him again. 

All four of them looked up when they heard the cargo bay of the plane opening. The plane was a good half-mile away, but they could still see four figures, one of whom was in a wheelchair. Magnus knew, even from this far away, that that was Alec. As they got closer, he saw a doctor pushing an IV cart along next to him, someone he didn’t recognize was pushing the wheelchair, and Alec’s friend Aline was walking next to him. 

“Here, let me take him,” Izzy said, taking Max from his arms. Magnus barely registered what she said as he stared at his husband. As they drew closer, Magnus could see how weak he was. How thin he looked and how tired. He could tell that his husband was trying so hard to stay awake. Awake to see him. Tears gathered in Magnus’ eyes. 

They’d been given strict instructions not to walk over the yellow line that was a few feet in front of them, but Magnus couldn’t help himself. Before he could even think, his feet were moving. He didn’t even register the voice of the officer who had accompanied them yelling at him to come back. Before he knew it he was within feet of his husband. Alec grabbed the wheels of the wheelchair, forcing whoever was pushing it to stop. He went to stand and immediately started to fall but Aline was there to catch him and ease his fall into Magnus’ arms. 

Magnus sobbed as he wrapped his arms around Alec as tightly as he could. Alec held him equally as tight despite his weakened form. Magnus heard Alec crying next to him and only held him tighter, hands clawing at his back, trying to bring him impossibly closer. 

“Alexander…” Magnus barely got out as he held Alec’s face in his hands. Alec held Magnus’ waist tight, holding himself up while holding his husband as tight as possible. He didn’t think he’d ever see him again and a sob wracked through his body as he realized he was truly here. 

“Magnus,” Alec said softly. His voice was hoarse as if he hadn’t spoken in a long time. He hadn’t. Magnus’ name was like water on his parched throat. The image of his husband and his child were the only thing that had gotten him through the past six months. 

Magnus held Alec’s face in his hands, the beard he’d grown was rough under his fingers but he didn’t care. He pulled Alec’s face to his and pressed the deepest, most love-filled kiss he could muster to his husband’s lips. It was wet and salty with both their tears but neither of them care. 

Magnus didn’t want to let him go, but Alec had spotted the rest of his family standing behind them. After Magnus had taken off running, they’d slowly followed and were now standing at a respectable distance, giving the two of them space. Alec had been the one to pull away slightly but he still leaned heavily on his husband as he tried to take a few steps forward. Izzy took a few steps forward and Max finally laid eyes on his father. 

“Dada!” Max yelled and immediately tried to wiggle out of Izzy’s arms, “dada! Dada! Dada!”

Alec let out a small sob as he reached to take Max from Izzy. Max began crying too as Alec pulled him into his arms, holding him tight without crushing the small child. Alec was practically leaning on Magnus as he held his son, crying as he cradled the young boy’s head. 

“I’ve missed you so much, blueberry,” Alec said softly, kissing Max’s cheek. He shifted Max to one side and only reached out his other arm, which Izzy fell into instantly, crying softly into her brother’s chest. 

“I missed you,” Izzy said softly.

“I missed you too,” Alec replied, running a soothing hand through her hair. She nodded and pulled away, allowing Jace to go and hug his brother. A few tears even spilled from his causing Alec to start crying all over again. They’d parted and laughed about it before Alec went to wrap his arm around Magnus again. Magnus wrapped both his arms around Alec’s waist in order to better hold him up. Max still clung tightly to him, not ever wanting to let him go again. It wasn’t until Alec was back holding him again that he truly realized how much he’d missed his daddy. 

“Colonel,” the doctor’s voice pulled them from their moment, “we really need to get you to the hospital, sir,” 

Alec only nodded, looking at Magnus then Max. 

“Max and I are coming with you, darling,” Magnus said softly.

“What about them?” Alec asked, referring to Jace and Izzy as he slipped immediately back into big brother mode, which made Magnus smile. 

“I invited Clary, Jace, Simon, and Izzy to stay at the house,” Magnus replied, “just so we’re all in one place whenever I come back and eventually when you come back,”

Alec nodded, holding Max a little tighter as Magnus helped lower him into the wheelchair. Magnus held one of Alec’s hands and Alec held Max in his other arm. Magnus held lower both Alec and Max back into the wheelchair, holding his hand tightly while Alec kept his other arm wrapped firmly around his son. 

“Aline, open my bag please,” Alec said. Aline shrugged the two backpacks she held on her shoulders and unzipped the ones with Alec’s name on it. Alec let go of Magnus’ hand, and Magnus held back the whine that wanted to escape when he lost contact with his husband. Alec reached in and pulled out Max’s favorite stuffed animal that Max had insisted Alec take with him. 

“Remember when you gave this to me?” Alec asked. Max didn’t react, just stared at the toy in Alec’s hand, “you put it in my backpack, and every time I gave it back to you you started crying. It kept me company while I was away,” 

Max nodded, taking the toy, holding it tight to him as he cuddled into Alec’s chest. Magnus hated to see Jace and Izzy be ushered away. He wished that Alec had been able to spend more time with his siblings, but they knew that they would get to see him again soon. 

“Do you want me to take his bag, Aline?” Magnus asked. 

“I’ve got it,” Aline said, rezipping the bag and putting the strap back over her shoulder, “just hold his hand,”

“You don’t have to tell me to do that,” Magnus laughed, retaking Alec’s hand in his own. They walked across the tarmac and to the vehicle waiting for them that would take them across the base to the hospital. Neither of them knew how long Alec was going to be there but they didn’t care. He was home. Alec was helped out of the wheelchair and into the seat next to Magnus. Alec’s head rested on Magnus’ shoulder and Magnus held Alec’s hand in both of his own. They hadn’t even started moving before Alec fell asleep. 

***

The nightmares didn’t even wait a day for Alec to be home before they began. 

He’d spent about two weeks in the hospital before they let him go home, all his family visiting him in the interim. Magnus had stayed with him, only going home occasionally to change his clothes and shower. When he was there they’d given him drugs that kept all his sleep dreamless, it had shielded him from the horrors of his own mind. 

Once he was home, however, the horrors were unleashed. 

He woke up screaming every night, sometimes unable to even bear the feeling of Magnus’ touch. He hated to see that look on his husband’s face, one where he so desperately wanted to help Alec feel better but knew there was nothing he could do. It was a look of utter hopelessness, the same hopelessness Alec felt inside. 

He didn’t sleep very much. He’d lay down with Magnus, most evenings he would happily cuddle up in his husband’s arms and he’d get a few restful hours of sleep. Then after the nightmares began and he woke up, he knew he wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep. Some nights he woke Magnus up, either on purpose or by accident, and others he’d just lay there. Or he’d climb out of bed and just wander about their loft. Sometimes he’d sit on the balcony and just listen to the sounds of the city. Other nights he’d go into Max’s room and pick him up before resting him against his chest and they’d both fall back asleep together.

Not long after he got home he’d started yelling at Magnus about the smallest things. Magnus’ makeup would be spread out on the bathroom counter, Alec would yell about the clutter. He wouldn’t be able to find something he was looking for, he’d yell at Magnus as if he had hidden it from him. There wouldn’t be something in the fridge Alec wanted and he’d yell at Magnus for not going to the store. 

Alec never wanted to yell at him, it was just his knee jerk reaction whenever he got the slightest bit frustrated. Magnus never yelled back, he just sat there and listened to Alec berate him. Alec would step away to clear his head and once he’d gotten ahold of himself again he’d go back in and apologize profusely. Magnus would just tell him it was okay and ask him if he could hold him. 

That was the worst part, Magnus would just take it, and that frustrated Alec more. He’d always held that in, never saying it out loud. When he sat back and thought about it, he was more frustrated with himself for forcing Magnus to take it, rather than at Magnus for taking it. Because then Magnus would be kind to him, offer him the kindness he didn’t deserve, and it made him feel even worse. 

Alec woke suddenly out of a particularly jarring nightmare to see Magnus sitting up in bed next to him, looking at him concerned. 

“What the hell are you looking at me like that for?” Alec asked harshly as he caught his breath. 

“You were having a nightmare, darling,” Magnus said softly, “I just wanted to make sure you came out of it okay,” 

“I’m fine,” Alec spat, throwing the blankets off him and onto Magnus before swinging his legs over the bed. 

“Alexander, come back to sleep,” Magnus said, reaching across the bed towards him, “please, darling,”

“Darling, darling, darling, why do you keep calling me that?!” Alec yelled, “your darling husband,” he spat out the words, “is back in fucking Baghdad,” 

“Alexander, don’t talk like that, you’re here with me,” Magnus said softly, “please, come back to bed,” 

“No, leave me alone,” Alec stood and left the room, closing the door firmly behind him. Magnus sat back on his pillow as his lip quivered and his eyes watered. The doctors at the hospital had spoken to both of them and had spoken to Magnus privately about PTSD and all the possible symptoms Alec could experience. There was a small, naive part of him that thought it wouldn’t be this bad, but he knew that was a long shot. His husband had endured trauma that no human was meant to endure even before he had been captured. He’d had nightmares before, he’d been depressed, but this was a whole new experience for both of them. 

Magnus wiped the water from his eyes and took a breath in, pulling himself together. He was not going to let Alec go this easy, he was not going to give up on the man he loved. He climbed out of bed and put on his robe and slippers before leaving the bedroom. He quietly opened Max’s bedroom door to ensure their son was asleep before he walked past the balcony doors and saw Alec standing, looking over the edge as he did most nights. Magnus went into the kitchen and put the kettle on, heating up the water as he got two mugs from the cabinets. 

He brewed their tea in silence, occasionally peeking through the window onto the balcony to check on his husband. He stood still, his head occasionally following something on the ground or a helicopter going through the sky. When the tea was brewed he poured it into their mugs and made his way to his husband. 

Alec didn’t turn when he opened the door. Magnus made a point of being loud about it so as not to scare his husband. He let the bottoms of his slippers scrap against the stone in case Alec hadn’t heard the door before he stopped next to his husband, standing about a foot away from him. He set Alec’s tea down on the banister between them before he began sipping his own. 

“You don’t have to stay,” Alec said, almost inaudibly. 

“What?” Magnus looked over at him, not sure he’d heard him right. 

“I said, you don’t have to stay,” he said a little more firmly, “you can take Max, you guys can have a happy life without me and my burdens dragging you down,” 

“What? Alexander…” Magnus only gaped, not quite sure how to respond to that, “you’re not dragging us down,” 

“I’ve been home a month and I’ve yelled at you almost every single day,” Alec said, finally turning to face him. Magnus saw the tear streaks on his cheeks, “if I had slightly less self-control I’d yell at Max too. I just can’t keep enough damn control of myself not to yell at you! There are times I can’t bear to have you touch me, we hardly sleep with each other anymore. Hell, we haven’t had sex since the night before I left, we haven’t kissed since before I left the hospital and-”

“Alexander, stop, please,” Magnus said, “none of those things make you a burden. You’ve experienced an incredible trauma this is a normal response-”

“But I can’t control it!” Alec yelled, “I can’t even-I don’t-I can’t control anything anymore!” 

“Alexander, please, darling-” 

“DON’T CALL ME THAT!” Alec screamed as tears began to fall, “DON’T CALL ME THAT! DON’T CALL ME THAT! DON’T CALL ME THAT!” 

Magnus let his hand come to cover his mouth to muffle his own sob as he saw the man he loved crumble to the ground in tears. He curled into a ball and sobbed and Magnus approached him cautiously, not wanting to scare him. 

“Alexander, please breath, dar-” he cut himself off before he could finish the endearment, “please take some deep breaths for me, you need to calm down,” 

“Hold me,” Alec choked out as he tried to breathe. Magnus visibly relaxed at Alec’s request, pulling Alec into his arms and holding him against his chest. Alec sobbed as Magnus ran his fingers through his hair, not bothering to hide his own tears as they streamed down his face. It killed him to see his husband in pain especially when there was nothing he could do to stop it. 

“I’m so sorry, Magnus,” Alec sobbed, clutching Magnus’ robe, “you deserve so much better than me,” 

“Hush, now, Alexander,” Magnus shushed him as he broke down in sobs again, running his fingers through his hair and soothing circles on his back, “I’ve told you time and time again how much I love you, and nothing has changed. If anything my love for you is stronger,” 

“How?” Alec sniffled, looking up at him. 

“Because I’ve known life without you,” Magnus said softly, “I’ve lived in a reality where there was a chance I was never going to get to hold you again, never get to see you smile, hear you laugh. I’ve lived in a world where I knew it was a possibility I would never be able to tell you I love you again,” 

“I’m sorry,” Alec said softly. 

“Don’t apologize,” Magnus sniffed, wiping his own tears as discreetly as possible, “that’s not a reality I want to revisit anytime soon,” he paused, “unless...unless that’s something you want,”

“No!” he said quickly, gripping Magnus’ robe tighter, “no matter how much I snap, I don’t...I couldn’t do this without you. You’re too good to me,”

“Impossible, my dear, I could never be too good to you,” Magnus smiled at him softly.

“Thank you,” Alec said, “for everything,” 

“You don’t need to thank me, you never need to thank me,” Magnus assured him, “I will take care of you darling, as long as you’ll allow me to,”

“Can you please not call me darling?” Alec asked softly, “I don’t know what it is but I just...it just sets me off,”

“Of course,” Magnus nodded, “I apologize in advance if I slip up. I’ve been calling you that for the past eight years,”

“I know, I’m sorry,” Alec sighed, “I just...I know it sets me off and I don’t want to yell at you,” 

“I know, love, please, don’t apologize,” Magnus said, “don’t ever be afraid to ask for things you need. And if it means I need to keep my side of the sink cleaned up for the foreseeable future or make sure the fridge is always fully stocked, then I will,” 

“But-”

“No buts,” Magnus insisted, “I want you to get better,”

“Thank you,” Alec said softly, letting him relax a little further into Magnus’ chest. 

“Can we go back to bed, Alexander?” Magnus asked softly, “that might be a little more comfortable than the concrete,” 

“Maybe a little,” Alec chuckled, shifting himself so he wasn’t leaning on Magnus. Magnus stood and took Alec’s hand, helping him stand. He grabbed the two full mugs and brought them inside, dumping them in the sink and putting the mugs in the dishwasher before joining Alec in their bedroom. He climbed into bed and Alec immediately curled into his chest. Magnus wrapped his arms around his husband and held him close. 

He might not be able to stop the nightmares, but he would do his best to scare them away.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all enjoyed that. I wish I could tell you when I'm going to post something else, but everything in my life is so up in the air rn. If you enjoyed this, check out my other stuff. Leave a kudos, comment (i love comments :)), or subscribe. Love you all stay safe <33


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